Five Insights for the Empty Nester

A lot of parents have been posting teardrops as they leave kids on university campuses. My empty nest is ten years old this month. As heart-wrenching as it had been to leave my firstborn in his dorm three years earlier, leaving my baby girl in hers was even harder. When we left her, we drove home to face the new normal of an empty nest. Some of our tears were of worry for them. But some tears were more about us and the messy change our nest was undergoing.

Change is hard. Nest change is harder. I’ve put together my top five insights for the new empty nesters.

1)             Don’t feel guilty for enjoying your empty nest. At some point, you may start to love your empty nest. When you do, don’t feel guilty about it. You’ve worked hard sliding worms into those wide mouths day after day. Now you can go to the grocery store and buy the kind of worms YOU like! Relish the idea of putting something away in a drawer, and going back to use it the next time to find it exactly where you put it. Enjoy the quiet or enjoy listening to YOUR music. Enjoying life doesn’t mean you love them less.

2)             Let them fly. Once they have left the nest, leave them alone enough to get some flying practice in. You no longer need to know what they have eaten today. Or if their alarm is waking them up. Or if they are thinking about you. When my son went to university, I set a goal to not call him more than once per week. I didn’t want to be a hovering mom. If he called me, yes, it made my day! With my daughter, I let myself communicate more often, but still tried to leave it more on her terms. It’s normal to wonder if they are doing ok. You’ll find out later that sometimes they were ok and sometimes they weren’t. Let them work stuff out on their own and call you when they need help.

3)             It takes time for the nest to empty. If your nest has more than one chick, the emptying comes in stages. Plus there tends to be periods when they come back home for a summer or while they are getting on their feet with new jobs. I have two pieces of advice for these times. If you can afford it, rent a storage unit, so you don’t have all their stuff back in your nest. And don’t make things too comfortable for them. Your house, your rules. Keep the perks low. I realize sometimes parents find themselves starring in a “Failure to Launch” movie. I’m not here to judge you for that. Some circumstances require extra support and extra time. You know the difference.

4)             Get your own life. One of the most common complaints from friends who aren’t adjusting well to their empty nest is how much they miss their kids’ activities. Get your own! Remember all those hobbies you had before babies? Resume some of them. Do something spontaneous on Tuesday night because you can. Schedule a trip. Get a dog. Help a neighbor. Get fit. Re-decorate your nest. Busyness can be a distraction from your loneliness. But if a large part of your identity was being a parent, it may help you figure out who else you are.

5)             Get under His feathers. When I was six years old, my Sunday School teacher, doubling as my mom, taught a lesson with a visual of a mother hen protecting her chicks under her wings. She likened it to being cared for under the shelter of God’s wings. I assume it was inspired from this scripture:

He will cover you with his feathers.

He will shelter you with his wings.

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

[Psalm 91:4 NLT]

The empty nest feels less scary whenever you crawl under the feathers of God’s love and protection. He will comfort you when you’re lonely. He will give you peace when you worry.  Snuggle up under His feathers! You and your babies will never have to leave His nest.