Marriage Advice from a Luau

Marriage Advice from a Luau

About two and a half decades into our marriage, I received some advice that created one of those famous Oprah aha moments – “I’ve never looked at it exactly that way before.”

We were at a luau in Hawaii, celebrating our 25^th.  We were seated with two other younger couples, one on their honeymoon and one celebrating their 10^th anniversary.  About half way through the meal, the young bride made a request. “You’ve both been married awhile, so tell us your best advice for a good marriage.”

I have no recollection of the advice I shared with the newlyweds. But I will forever remember what the 10 year wife said. “Always choose what pleases your spouse. If you both do that, you will be happy.”

I have to admit this advice kind of rankled me at first. Our marriage was a progressive one, born of the 70’s.  We were equals.  I wasn’t the little woman bringing iced teas to his recliner, like my grandmother’s generation. We had dual careers. We shared the household and child rearing responsibilities. We practiced give and take. Not give and give. Besides, my marriage had 15 years on hers. I must be doing something right.

Her words lingered.  My brain is wired to think about things a long time before taking action. Eventually I remembered her second sentence. “If you both do that, you will be happy.” The other half of the equation became clear. Hers was a ‘give and get’ philosophy, because they both played the give game.

Then my thoughts smacked me upside the head, as they often do. My husband already tried to do what pleased me most of the time. I was used to getting my way. I enjoyed the benefits of being princess. And I had let the equation get unbalanced in the name of equality. The irony settled upon me.

Sometimes Christians can use scripture to justify imbalance in marriage in either direction. We can be selective with scriptures telling the wife to give to the husband or the husband to give to the wife. So we have to remember they are both two way streets. Paul wrote of the comparison between husbands and wives and Christ and the church.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church –a love marked by giving, not getting. [Ephesians 5:25 MSG]

While humans can never achieve the perfect love that Christ has for us, our love can take on His characteristics. A love marked by giving. And when both spouses practice that kind of love, the giving comes back in the form of getting.

Fourteen years have gone by now.  My luau advisor is approaching her 25^th anniversary. She has no idea how much her thoughtful response to the bride impacted me. My husband and I continue to be students of her wisdom, ever trying to win at making the other person happy. Give and get. It beats give and take.