Some people avoid
talking about death. Some talk about death in opaque euphemisms or with nervous
humor. Others talk about it openly with all of its hurt and awkwardness laid
bare. This week marks another anniversary of my mom’s death, and I’ve been
thinking about how helpful it was that she made her death discussable. Here are
some things you can do to help talk about death more honestly.
Make death a
discussable topic.
How we talk and think about death likely has everything to do with how our
family of origin handled it. My family was candid about death and dying. We
weren’t sheltered from funerals as young children. No one told us the dead
person was “just sleeping” or that heaven gained another angel. We used the
words “death” and “dying” and “dead” without trepidation. My parents talked openly
about how painful it is to lose someone we love. Our family laughed and cried
in the same sentences, mixing happy memories with grief. We talked a lot about
what we believe happens to us after we die.
Treat the process of
dying like a natural part of life. Dying is as much a part of living as being
born. Birth holds the awe of a new life. It’s easier to see death as a loss than
as the awe of a life lived, because it IS a very painful loss for those
left behind. For the one dying, it can be physically and emotionally painful,
yet still a natural process. Because we had a few months to prepare with mom before
her death, we learned about what to expect and ways to support her and each
other from reading books and talking to Hospice staff. I appreciated some of
the sacred rituals that different cultures do before, during and after the
dying process to support the end of life. Mom went through some rituals of her
own as she prepared. One day she wanted to clean her purse. Her other affairs
were in order, so it was important to her that her purse was too. Another day she
sat in the garage during a spring thunderstorm to smell the rain “once more.” She
taught us that some things in her life had lost priority while other things mattered
even more. A few years later, she was followed in death by one of my pastors
who was widely respected for his wisdom. He told his children and grandchildren
“I have taught you how to live and now I will teach you how to die.” What a
role model in treating death like a natural part of life!
Have any specific
conversations you need to have. If death has been an undiscussable for you, first
decide if you want to change that or not. You may feel that the silent approach
is sufficiently supported by the history of your relationship. But if there are
things you want to say, then you get to decide what/when/how. Don’t wait until
death is staring you or your loved one down, because your options narrow as death
gets nearer. Depending on the timing and purpose, you could take many
approaches:
direct approach - “there are
some things I want you to know and I’m afraid I’ll wait too long to say them,
so here goes…”
supportive approach - “I know
this is scary for all of us. What can I do to support you the best?”
business approach - “let’s talk
about how you’d like us to handle your affairs.”
spiritual approach - “can I help
you be ready for what’s after this life?”
release approach - “I can see
you are suffering and want you to know we’re going to be ok. I want you to feel
free to go whenever you need to.”
You get to choose. Saying
everything you want to say before someone is dying helps avoid regrets if there’s
an unexpected death. If the death is expected, then saying all of the important stuff early on leaves the final
hours for the simple sweetness of keeping vigil at the “death bed” .
I realize this is all a
lot harder in practice. Nothing about death is easy. But talking about it helps.
And for those who are of like faith, we also find strength in talking to God about
it. My favorite New Testament writer, Paul, is a direct communicator and sometimes
comes off a bit flippant.
For if we live, we live
to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or
whether we die, we are the Lord’s. [Rom 14:8, CSB]
Paul couldn’t say it
more plainly. No matter what, we belong to the Lord. And nothing makes death
more discussable than knowing we belong to Him in both life and death.
